It was around 2016 when I started to notice how exhausted and fatigued I constantly was. I was approaching my first full year of working in full time (Youth) Ministry, so I thought it was the normal burn out associated with the ministry. One of my friends joked and told me to get used to it because emotional exhaustion was in the fine print when I signed up.
As the exhaustion continued, I started to think it was probably due to my unhealthy eating habits and more so my lack of physical exercise. I started going to the gym in the same year in hopes that things would get better. Exercising made a difference but in the long run, didn’t really fix the problem. Exhaustion and fatigue continued and sometimes even got worse in 2017, coupled with already struggling with depression and anxiety at times the combination wasn’t pleasant.
Between 2016 and 2017, I spent time going to see GP’s, done multiple blood tests and saw a gynecologist (this was probably the worst experience). Besides the fact that I knew that something was wrong with my body, not being taken seriously by the people that are meant to help you made it worse.
Two weeks ago things got really bad (really bad means normal except I’m tired of going on), and I decided to see a Doctor that my friend had recommended. I saw him and he was REALLY HELPFUL (Praise hands), at first glance he noticed my kidneys weren’t functioning at their normal rate. He asked if I could stay the night for him to monitor me, my first thought went to all the things I had planned that evening (namely doing the Lords work), I asked if I could come in the next day since he said it wasn’t an emergency.
On Thursday I went to the hospital to check my self in, spent two nights and 3 Days. It was actually my first time spending the night in a hospital, I was excited at first (I know weird) until I realized how horrible hospital food was and in general hospitals not being introvert-friendly. Currently still doing some tests to narrow down what is happening, the doctor thinks I have some autoimmune disease, waiting for some test results that will help tell whats exactly is going.
The point of this isn’t to share about this (I’m not an over-sharer so this is actually slightly uncomfortable), but somethings I have been reminded of this past few weeks of going through this. One of my friends Takondwa sent me an image with the quote “you are worth so much more than your productivity”.
When I got it, I was in a hospital bed thinking of all the plans and programs I had lined up for the weekend. I’m one of those people who hate cancelling on people, and most of all I hate not getting things done! So now you know why that quote hit me hard.
For the past few months (maybe even Year), I haven’t been at my best physically and emotionally, and that sucks. There are days where my body felt more like that of a 60-year-old than a 22-year-old and that sucks. Tasks that took me a day, now take me weeks. I used to write more than once a week easily, now writing once a month is an achievement. I used to love meeting deadlines, these days I’m lucky if I do. I hate it, I hate how it makes me feel and make me look incompetent sometimes and ultimately I hate how much I let people down.
But the bright side is, I am learning and being reminded that I am a human being, that I shouldn’t just be a”don’t be a human doing, be a human BEING”. In a nutshell, that’s what I’m learning, I am valuable, loved, cared for, appreciate regardless of how much I do. I don’t have to be defined by how much I do, but what I am as a person. Being at peace with this allows me to rest, and focus most of my energy taking care of myself so I can serve others better.
God has given me the grace to be able to rest in him, trade in my yoke for his that light and easy to carry (Matthew 11:28). I don’t have to work hard to find salvation and rest Christ has already done that for me. Resting now should look like finding acceptance in being a child of God, and that I brought nothing to that equation. Which means that even when my service to him is sloppy, late and non-existent it doesn’t take away from my position in him. Rest also looks like using my humanity and weaknesses to point others to the sufficient grace of God. For in my weaknesses his grace is shown (2 Corinthians 12:9-10).
When Jesus cried out God the father and asked to have this cup taken away from him, Gods grace was sufficient.
When Paul had that thorn in the flesh that the Lord decided not to remove. His grace was sufficient.
Even now, God’s grace is sufficient.
I am trusting God for healing, believing in his faithfulness and a proven track record that he never fails. He might come through in different ways but he will come through. He might come through healing, he might come through in the doctor’s Wisdom or the nurse’s kindness, or whatever ways I might not even be able to see. But I know that even when it’s hard, God is still coming through. I don’t know what the future holds, but I know who holds it, that is my rest.
“We didn’t pray for a lighter load, we prayed for stronger backs so that we could carry our cross”- Phillips Brooks